Saturday, May 28, 2011

YouTube's Collection of the Most Worst

The great thing about YouTube is it lets any random person post a video they've made. This is, of course, also the worst thing about YouTube. I don't know how many videos are posted to YouTube daily, but I can estimate its number at around 6,669. Take that number, and approximately 100% of those videos are stupid. It's like Newton's Eighth Law of Thermodynamics: every video posted to YouTube will be a home movie of a nutshot, a bad AMV, or general nuttery. This makes YouTube a fantastic place to go to should you need to remember why you hate everyone and everything around you. That, however, takes effort. Here, I have assembled the worst YouTube videos in five easy categories: The Awful Parody, Fucking Television, Oh, Japan, The Talentless Cover Band, and General Buttfuckery.

The Awful Parody
"I'm on a Couch (The Lonely Island "I'm on a Boat" parody spoof)"
by theed 43

This video is powerfully unfunny. In fact, I speculate that if you show this video to a baby, it will grow up to be the next Richard Nixon. Somehow, this video is directly responsible for every person who died in the Holocaust. It's a special kind of failure, one that you can't even try to achieve. Just as every single one of the kids involved are, this is a complete accident and should never have been. Imagine every good thing about the actual song I'm on a Boat. Now imagine some eighteen year old Canadians taking that and using it to play curling while they rape you with the brooms. That is what watching this video is like. 

The Worst Part
Probably the best part starts around the 1:36 mark where some total coolkid with his hat flipped turnways says, with all the energy of a slime mold with Down syndrome, "Hey, ma, can you see me now? Couch is burning...somehow." Oh, did I forget to mention? They're setting the couch on fire. Because fuck you, that's why.
Another highlight is at the 1:07 mark, where some other idiot tries to jump over the couch while it is on fire, and he fails in such a way it could have only been an act of God. Really, it wasn't so much of a jump as it was a "sprint toward the couch and run into it." Meanwhile, he lethargically raps on how his pants were on fire, if you consider speaking in hungover monotone rapping.

Fucking Television
"Energy Hogs Commercial Full Version"
by OliveMonkeys

I'm not sure what kind of person wants to watch TV commercials, but they're all over YouTube. And I don't know what kind of person would want to watch this commercial specifically, but it's on YouTube. The only target demographic I can think of would be "eighty year old man with severe developmental disorder," and he only finds it entertaining because he forgot the funny box can make sounds.
This was created to promote, a website that teaches you how to turn off the lights when you leave the room. There's nothing really wrong with that base concept other than the fact people need to be told to turn a light off when they're not using it, but someone figured they could take this at least five steps too far and create a mascot, whom I have named Dennis. Dennis is a pig who leads other, smaller, pigs from an unmarked pedophile van, instructing them to break into homes to...waste their electricity? Come on, man, if you're going to rack up breaking and entering charges, you might as well take the TV or something. Hey, that way, you can see your stupid face on it.

The Worst Part
At around :36, right in the middle of the pigs' romping around the generic suburban house, the family comes home, much their chagrin. But that's not all! As one pig exclaims "Boss! They're home! And they've got energy efficient bulbs!" The pigs promptly flip their shit while the narrator enthusiastically explains to kids how they can install insulation, order new dryers, and screw in new light bulbs. I would consider this offensive on multiple levels, but I've recently forgotten how to feel emotions.

Oh, Japan
"Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend"
by SeriouslyPissedOff

I don't know how many times I forced myself to watch this video, but whatever number that was, it was far too many. This is a video that defies explanation. If someone were to write a research paper on Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend, it would be fifteen pages of the sentence "I don't know" written in the author's own blood. If Japan were to pick one video to represent their beautiful heritage and culture, this would probably be it.
The Worst Part
The entire thing is the worst part. This is one solid block of whatthefuckery. Here, let me give you a step-by-step rundown of the plot:
-anime girl is driving her steamroller down the highway
-the Gaycycle enters and is shoved off the road when steamroller girl's steamroller turns into a robot
-the Gaycycle becomes the Seggay
-the first gay man pulls down his thong and shoots a laser from the baby face he keeps under it, destroying the Steamroller Robot
-a midget with motorized shoes parachutes down from the sky
-the gay men shrug and turn into the Wheel of Gay
-the Wheel of Gay crushes Shoe Midget as they drive off into the sunset, which also has a baby face
-a disembodied voice says "that's what I'm sayin'"
I straight up refuse to type about this any more. If I'm on a Couch caused the Holocaust, this is the cause of every single orphan's parents dying.

The Talentless Cover Band
"Worst Cover of Nirvana ever...."
by prankska

One day, three fine kids, who all liked Nirvana, decided to cover a Nirvana song. Nowhere along the line did they realize they didn't know someone who played the bass guitar, none of them had any talent at all, nobody knew how the song went, and their singer was probably the drummer's girlfriend.
Now, it doesn't take much to cover a Nirvana song, the average piece by them rating about a 0 on the Erwin A Doppelmeyer Relative Scale of Difficulty, only slightly lower than falling down a flight of stairs. This means these students had negative talent. Just being near them would probably cause you to play an instrument with all the poise and grace of Keyboard Cat.

Worst Part
No. Don't make me go there. This is the one video on this entire list I refused to watch all of. That is the worst part. Well, that or the time the singer started the chorus a bar early.

General Buttfuckery
"Bart the General"
by Israfel85

See that video up there? Don't watch it. Don't watch any of it. Don't watch it, or its many, many sequels. Bart the General is the farthest thing from entertainment that could possibly exist. This is probably an experiment by the FBI to see how far it could push the limits of sanity before the human brain begins to eat itself.
I watched this video in complete silence, and sat there for a minute after it ended. I could feel my blood wanting to seep from every available orifice. Remember how I'm on a Couch caused the Holocaust and Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend kills parents? Bart the General is the mastermind behind all of this. Bart the General has caused every bad thing in the universe from the very start.

The Worst Part
Though this entire thing could be considered one four minute bad part, shit gets really weird starting at 2:54. As you watch Homer Simpson turn into a blubbering wreck and take a brick to the mouth, you slowly forget what it is to feel love. By the time you get to the part where he comes home to find Marge getting screwed by the new neighbor, you should be quietly sobbing to yourself in your chair. Watching this video is like staring into forever: you'll never be quite the same.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Enjoy I Hate Everything's Section on the Facial Dictionary

Just quick stopping by to mention I Hate Everything has a Facebook page; be sure to like it, otherwise you're a fag and I hate you.

New post soon. It's too big for Blogger, so I'm trying to split it in half, but some of this post's favorite pastimes are crashing Firefox and making me want to punch a baby, so who knows how long that will take.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I Make a Bacon Pilgrimage

For some people, bacon is a religion. Bacon is extremely important to these people. It becomes its entire own food group, at the very bottom of the food pyramid, because fuck the new version with all the horizontal lines and shit, because it needs to be the biggest section. Bacon is not an ordinary meat. It is the flesh of Kðäçôr, the Bacon God. And at first, us practitioners of baconism had nowhere to go when we needed to take part in a grand celebration of bacon. We didn't have a Mecca or a Jerusalem. But that has changed. Thanks to the otherwise completely unremarkable diner chain Denny's, we have a Mecca. It is called Baconalia.