Saturday, March 24, 2012

Bionicle MOCing: The Community in a Nutshell

A number of years ago, I did this thing called MOCing, a term some of you nerdier readers might recognize: MOC stands for 'My Own Creation,' and it basically amounts to building your own shit with Legos. Didn't know there was a name for it, huh? I almost solely did Bionicle MOCing to tie in with the fanfiction I wrote, which was a poor aping of Douglas Adams and largely devoid of personal flourish. I put them on deviantArt and had a small circle of friends with similar interests who were, four times out of five, better than me, but I had some cool stuff. Zhouhgh was badass, Ohnahn was a hulking monster, Komung was fun to build, and Vonox is probably the coolest thing I've ever constructed.

Then there were people who were not so great. I knew a few of them. They were A dime a dozen, mediocre MOCers were always eager to show off the torso design you've seen five times before (not that I was any better at torsos; Komung was fun because I made a unique torso).

And then there was rock bottom.

There was a select group of bottom dwellers so awful at MOCing, rudimentary things like "color scheme" and "balance" were foreign concepts. They flocked to literally any other MOCer, myself included. There was actually one that literally imitated me at every chance he got. He favorited the same things I did. It was almost flattering.

As a footnote, the Bionicle community as it stands is a weeping mess. Of course, long ago, Purple Dave was kicked out of Mask of Destiny, forever making people wonder why they still went to MOD over BZPower. Then, BZPower had numerous server issues, the forums went down, and Bionicle ended. Everyone raged, shrugged, and, for the most part, moved on with their lives. BZPower now sits, cold and abandoned, with only a handful of people actually contributing to the front page. I haven't dared enter the forums, because I'm afraid I'll see three people arguing over a minor plot point from 2002 and start to weep in a corner. And, of course, no brief summary of the Bionicle Fandom's decline would be complete without the Great BioSector01 Disaster. At some point, BS01 suffered a crash of magnificent proportions and lost literally everything. When basic things such as the Borok Invasion and the element of Stone have been missing from your wiki for months now, your rebuilding effort has fallen on deaf ears and you'll probably never get that article on Gadunka finished (not that anyone really gave a shit about Gadunka to begin with).

I digress. Now, a friend and I used to have this email chain where we would, with each reply, share a terrible MOC and make fun of it. This practice has faded with the years, as MOCing just isn't as great as it once was. Bionicle ended on a greater low point than Mass Effect 3 because Greg Farshtey was a moron who couldn't write a good story to save his neckbeard and the sets were becoming cookiecutter garbage. I digress. I found this email chain recently, hidden away in the vast realm of my sent folder. I spent an hour reading the archive of making fun of other peoples' lack of creativity, and realized: this would be a fantastic way to shit out an I Hate Everything post. After each analysis, I will give a Failsaster Rating, measured in Nukems, in honor of the greatest disappointment of all. Here we go!

Pitrix was a Dark hunter created by Mutran (god, he is really a horribly mad scientist to create a being who worked for The Shadowed One. Good thing the storm killed him back in Karda Nui). Mutran fused him with a typical crab, several unknown minerals he discovered in the past (such as Liquid protodermis and viruses). He prefers to dwell armor on his arms, but not his legs. The lack of xtra weight on his legs allows him to run fast with extreame agility.

I'm starting off with a not-so-terrible creation to get things rolling. This is Pitrix, constructed by one of our favorite bad MOCers. Starting with the construction, it doesn't take much to notice legs completely devoid of armor, a suddenly brown head, and a completely unidentifiable mass of parts coming off of the arms and back. A little more subtle is the annoying spots of red and blue, but that's mostly an issue from Lego's strange decision to only cast those parts in those colors after certain years, no matter what, but it's still fun to blame it on the MOCer.

Now, the bio. This is pretty tame for some of the crazy shit people misspell in these things, but a few gems manage to slip by. There's the gratuitous aside within one clause of the bio, which is completely pointless and far longer than it has any right to be, but that's not really grammar. Well, luckily, the MOCer doesn't disappoint. After forgetting how lists work and randomly capitalizing the word "liquid," the MOCer informs us that Pitrix likes to "dwell armor on his arms, but not his legs." Keyword: dwell. Dwell. Never before have I seen a verb misused so beautifully. This guy deserves a fucking medal. It would say "Congratulations, You Fucking Suck!" in Wingdings and be made out of tin foil used to wrap a greasy chicken sandwich. To award it, I would punch the MOCer in the face repeatedly until it is imprinted permanently on his stupid flesh.

Following the glorious ruination of the word dwell, our MOCer goes on to spell "extra" without an E and typos "extreme" in a way that can only be described as "embarrassing."

Failsaster Rating: 3 Nukems
It's no disasterpiece, but it's a good start. Let's keep going.

Borick is the forth of five elite Dark Hunters created by the Shadowed One and has the power to summon an army of Bohrok.

Oh yeah, now we're talking. This right here? This is awful. During times like these, it's best to stay positive. I can say with mild conviction that our nameless MOCer here at least probably started with a general direction instead of haphazardly cobbling parts together. What that direction is, well, I'm not entirely sure. The best I can come up with is "Lehvak with orange eyes on its hips" but that's fucking retarded. Then again, the final product was also fucking retarded. Maybe this is an elaborate art statement about the futility of finding a matching color scheme? The two legs fused together at the foot could be a metaphor for not going anywhere in life because you're a depressing failure. The arms that are too short and too far back on the body to be of any use whatsoever are representing your inability to change how badly you suck. The tail is just there because tails are cool. Am I close, MOCer? Answer me!

Failsaster Rating: 5.5 Nukems
We're definitely starting to get to the good stuff, but Borick still isn't quite what we're looking for. Why don't we let things get really heavy for the next abomination?


Oh Christ, where do I begin? This thing has no name, no biography, and no explanation. It was just thrown onto the Internet and probably left to rot. I'd feel sorry for it, but no, I can't. I only feel the utmost hatred for this thing.

Let's start with the obvious: holy masks, Batman! This thing has more masks than an Indian restaurant has plumbing bills. I've seen tribal African war parties with fewer masks. You could build a small army of Hannibal Lecters with this thing alone.

Now, we move on to the next two things: its arms. The right is a hopelessly beefy conglomerate of gray and nightmare with a little bit of gold tacked onto the front in an attempt to make it cheery, the left is a shrimpy suckfuck with a suddenly orange Pakari and a weapon I hesitate to call a spear so massive he probably just got back from chopping up China into its administrative divisions. Chances are, if you were to remove the spear from this thing's hand, its arm would fall heavily to its side and the whole damn thing would just topple over because the spear is probably the only thing keeping it upright. As icing on the stupid cake, it has a giraffe neck to allow it to see over its leering pectorals. No matter which way it turns, it will always have at least one eye on you. Always.

Failsaster Rating: 9 Nukems
If piss could vomit, this nameless monster would probably be pretty close to what would come out.

welcome to my MOC! these are from this video please go watch it! down below is a pick of both the male and female fighters. 

For the love of all that is good and holy, by Cxaxukluth's thrashing tentacles, in the name of the halls of Valhalla, what on Earth was this guy thinking‽ I'm inclined to believe he wasn't. At all. Not even subconsciously. There was no higher brain activity happening at the moment these monsters were born. He didn't even try. I can only assume the creator had a seizure at his Bionicle pile and just so happened to build these things, pose them, take photos, a full goddamned stop-motion video, and post it all on the Internet. He then awoke from his seizure, realized what he had done, and killed himself. That scenario is the only possible way justice could be had for the monster truck of fuck the "Bionicle Fighters" are. If the MOCer doesn't regret the day he put those parts in that combination every waking moment of his life, I wouldn't consider this a reality worth living in.

I don't even have to make a detailed analysis of the construction. I'm pretty sure you can figure it out for yourself. I just don't want to look at that image anymore.

Failsaster Rating: 15.5 Nukems
The shitty stop motion video only made this worse, not that anything could have helped.

As Gresh was walking around in the desert he encountered Malum being attacked by a Skrall.Now gresh knew the Skrall were evil so he helped Malum. During the fight a meteor feel and fused all three together.Now what will happen?

I remember the day I first saw the Ultimate Glatorian. The first words out of my mouth after seeing this hideous explosion of failure personified was something along the lines of aaaaagh!. Maybe that's just one vowel sound stretched out and not words. Maybe this is so horrifying I can't be bothered to give a shit.

Ultimate Glatorian comes from our personal favorite bad MOCer, a human being(?) with the ability to churn out thoughtlessly cobbled-together MOCs and sentences at a startling rate. It's easily the crown jewel of his gallery, even displacing such favorites like Dark Hunter Dektrak, Toa Wolf, Rahi Maker, and Defense Bot 1000. Ultimate Glatorian is what Adolf Hitler had nightmares of. If you wanted to scare Cthulhu, you'd use the Ultimate Glatorian. The real reason Alderaan was blown up is because the Ultimate Glatorian was there.

I can't say enough about the syntax used in the biography. This MOCer's hallmark was his inability to press the space bar after punctuating, creating sentences that aren't sure if they want to be run-ons or not. It presents a scene where Gresh is wandering aimlessly through the deserts of Bara Magna because he's a fucking boss with testicles carved out of bedrock. He sees Malum, his sworn enemy, fighting a skrall, his other sworn enemies, so he decides to help punch the skrall into submission. Then a sentient meteor felt all three of them up and fused them into a shambling monster beyond human comprehension. Shit like this is actually fairly typical, as far as this MOCer goes.

So, uh, right. What can I say? Even if we pretend lime green, black, red, orange, silver, and dark green all go together, the construction still defies logic. I'm not even sure if half of that shit is even connected to something. There's a fairly good chance that limbs and armor is just piled on top of more limbs and armor behind its back and we'd never notice because we're too busy screaming. It's probably a small miracle this thing hasn't yet collapsed into a gravitational singularity and pulled the Earth in, because that is way too many parts to be in that amount of space.

Failsaster Rating: 19.75 Nukems
I'm sure you're wondering if anything could actually be worse than the Ultimate Glatorian. Fool! Do you not know what you've done? Do you know what those words have unleashed?


Look, I've become fluent in Stupid. When you willingly put yourself through bullshit like what I've gone over in this blog post alone, you don't just pick up a few handy phrases or verb conjugations, you fucking master the language. But this right here? The Bionicle Centaur? I can't understand it. This isn't just Stupid. This is fucking Old Runic Stupid, transliterated into Middle Stupid by a blind chimpanzee, Google Translated into Russian, and then translated to Modern Stupid with the assistance of a high school Stupid I class and a Ukrainian dictionary. Take a good look at it. Take a really fucking close look at it. Do you see any redeeming traits at all? Is there anything in this holocaustic collection of parts and lens glare at all that could be considered good, or even acceptable? If you said yes, you're the horrid excuse for a human being who built this thing.

Not only is the Bionicle Centaur a failure in every single aspect of its existence on this plane, it is also entirely depressing, because it means either someone with advanced mental disabilities was allowed near choking hazards or someone actually put green, gold, red, and silver together in such a way that he thought it looked good and was proud of it. Did I mention that? The asshole was proud of this. This may be Old Runic Stupid, but that says something clear enough: humanity's downward spiral has just crashed through the floor and is now in the metaphorical basement. The term "horsemen of the apocalypse" turned out to only be slightly wrong; this is a centaur, not a horseman, and it only brings our doom in a metaphorical sense. It merely represents what has already been here: