Friday, May 24, 2013

I Hate Everything Wins the R-TARD Award

Remember my lengthy tirade about the movie Battleship? Of course you do; chances are, statistically speaking, it's why you're here in the first place. No idea how that particular post became so popular, but that's neither here nor there. What matters is I wrote it, and I was of the opinion that Battleship was a disgustingly awful movie that was so disgustingly awful that it became one of my favorite movies, hands down. I compared it to The Wicker Man, even. No, not the good one. Yes, that one. You know the one.

Ahh, god! Not the reference!

It should come as a surprise to you that some people get upset when I say things sometimes. I don't know how; I have a wonderfully charming personality, varied delivery style, legitimate opinions, and absolutely never use sarcasm, ever. But people get upset at me nonetheless, and it has led to some absolute hilarity. I'm not here to rag on moduz94 and all the fine folk at MLP Forums, though. Nor am I here to rag on the typical anon commenter I get here who calls me a great big doodyhead. In fact, I'm not here to rag on anyone! In a surprising twist on the IHE formula, I'm here to accept an award I've just been presented!

On May 7th, 2013, it came to my attention through a source that I've come to call the 5/7 Anon that I Hate Everything was presented the R-TARD Award, an honor I can only assume is very prestigious here on the Internet. I couldn't actually find a lot of information, other than a kid who handed them out years ago on YouTube, which seems to be -

Oh, they were handed out to stupid people?

Oh, Osama bin Laden got one? Well, that's -

Ooooh. I get it now. 5/7 also hated me. And then just used the name because he was a tosser. Got it.

So, you know what this means, right? IHE got its first flamer!

This is what winning on the Internet looks like. It sounds like a loop of Ha-He by Just a Band.

5/7 made me smile. I didn't know someone could get so much hate for not liking Battleship. I've done a few things that could warrant people actually getting mad at me, but this? This is something else entirely. I put up with some shit on IHE, and it's usually pretty funny. Imagine having an art show at a gallery, and a pretentious art snob tells you your sculpture of the Virgin Mary made out of toilet seats is the hugest affront to human eyesight since the time you made a monument to Australian prison guards out of those CDs AOL used to mail people.

But 5/7 is different from the standard hater. Imagine you're running your gallery with the Virgin Mary toilet seat sculpture and a hobo, frothing at the mouth, ran up to you and screamed something incoherent about Rembrandt and, for some reason, Mozart, before falling on top of your avant-garde toilet seat sculpture and vomiting himself to sleep. This is a lot what it's like to both run a blog under the persona of an angry cynic and live in Baltimore!

But that's neither here nor there (Baltimore being 800 miles away from 'here' and 'There' being a 2009 Turkish film). What is here is 5/7, a person of incredible lyrical grace that rivals even my own. And such aggression, too! In the span of a few hours, he told me to hang myself no less than twice. I'd love to oblige, buddy, but it's hard to hang yourself twice. If you make it out of the first noose, you did a pretty shitty job and might as well not have bothered, hm? You have to think rationally about these things now.

See, the thing that baffles me most about 5/7 is the only reason he thought I was a "dumba ass" was that I didn't like a movie. And that movie was Battleship.

An opinion that seems at least somewhat justified.

That was literally his only problem with me. Hell, America hasn't even invaded a country of brown people for something as petty as this! It's like decking your friend in the face because he said he didn't like baseball. But I guess some people get awfully worked up about baseball, boring fucking game that it is. And now I'm half-expecting at least someone to reply "fuck you baseball is a great game."

I keep distracting myself. I think that's a sign I've basically said all I need to say on this guy. I just need to present my acceptance speech:

Dear friends of I Hate Everything, on this day, I humbly accept the R-TARD Award, as presented by the 5/7 Anon Foundation for Incoherently Screaming. I'd like to thank Peter Berg, director of Battleship; David Klein and Herman Goelitz, founders of Jelly Belly Candy Company; and 5/7, for being an obnoxious tool. If you're reading this, what's up? I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

I'm winner!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

The Worst Wikis of All Time

I'm not particularly well-versed in the Rules of the Internet, but I'm 90% sure that if a topic exists, a wiki for it must also exist, no exceptions. Sometimes, this is reasonable. If I see a wiki for a long-running RPG series or complicated TV show or literally anything people collect, I don't get surprised, because shit like this is bound to happen. Sometimes, I'm even thankful for it. Just yesterday I consulted the Pro Wrestling Wiki because I needed to know the name of the ridiculous midget in the leprechaun outfit that curbstomped Triple H after Ray Mysetrio beat the shit out of him or whoever they were. I mostly watch pro wrestling for laughs ever since I saw Big Show on Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?.

So, right. As I was saying, wikis tend to be a scary ass thing because any random schmuck can register on Wikia Network and make his own shitty corner of the Internet. The shit these people can come up with is alarming. There's a place called Camerawiki. Fucking Camerawiki. It's for cameras. Many, many, many cameras. Do you want to know where else you can go to get information on a new digital camera? Fucking Canon's website. There's a Twilight Saga Wiki, just in case you were having trouble sorting through your incredibly complicated love story about necrophilia or bestiality. And, of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Wikia Wiki, which is a wiki about wikis about other things.

And god dammit, I'm a wiki admin, I have a right to complain about the stupid things stupid people do on stupid websites. This is me getting it all out at once, like an explosive bout of flatulence after a 2AM run to Taco Bell after D&D.

So, there's your shitty sampler plate. Let's look at the true main course:

Barney Wiki

The mere fact that Barney Wiki even exists actually frightens me. What the hell do people need this for? "Oh no, I can't remember the name of the retarded yellow dinosaur on what was once my favorite TV show! Oh, wait, it's BJ! Thank you, Barney Wiki!" Do five year olds need a source to cite for their Barney research papers? Do adult people legitimately watch this?

Because I have so much room to talk.

One thing I appreciate about this wiki is nobody ever logs in. It's just an endless series of anons editing the articles, not daring to show their true faces. At least they still have their honor. Well, except the admin. He admits he's lame.

Saddest Article Quote: It's Robert's birthday, and Barney and the kids decide to throw a Mexican fiesta party for him and they also make shakers and maracas with the use of the Barney Bag.

When children need to be taught ethnic sensitivity by bashing a cultural stereotype named Robert over their heads, you know your target audience might be the saddest generation.

Usefulness: 2/10. In the event that you really need to remember in which season the black kid started appearing, Barney Wiki has you covered, Mister Worst Person Ever.

File:Kraft 2012 logo detail.gif

Sometimes, you really need to look up the logo Game Show Network used in 1997. Sometimes, your caretaker forgot to put you on your medication. In both instances, Logopedia has you covered.

Logopedia is exactly what it says on the tin: it's a wiki...for logos. There's really nothing to say about it other than I have no idea why anyone would want this. Someone, somewhere where fun has yet to be invented, thought it would be a killer radical idea to collect all of the logos fucking Pepsi-Cola has had and put them in an organized space online. Only someone who either has highly advanced obsessive-compulsive disorder or somehow got bored of just masturbating would do that. And then, this person met a similar group of people, and the glorious Internet empire that is Logopedia was born.

Saddest Article Quote: This one was actually a poll, titled What era had the best logos? Who thinks of this bullshit? Apparently people did, because in two days 51 people had voted, and the 90's were winning by a fucking landslide.

Usefulness: 5/10. I'll admit to having used Logopedia once to prove to my friend he was being a nad about something I can't remember. I think it had something to do with Adventure Time.

Avatar Wiki

Okay, I'm going to have to make a few things clear before I start tearing this thing a new asshole. I liked Avatar as a piece of art, not necessarily as a movie. As something I paid money to look at, it was a fucking beautiful thing. I sat in that IMAX theater mesmerized by what was taking place in front of me. And then I thought about it afterwards, and I realized everything else was complete fucking horseshit. Look, guys, I'm sorry, but Space Pocahontas is not a unique concept. I'm not just saying this because it's hilarious (it is) or because everyone else on the Internet already has (they have), that is one of the first things I thought about Avatar after I saw it. Then again, all I really remember about the Disney movie was that Pocahontas was a crazy bitch and always high as shit, so maybe my opinion should be taken with a grain of salt. But anyway, for Space Pocahontas, it wasn't bad, but that's like saying Stalin wasn't bad because he wasn't Hitler. Now that I've done my daily Godwin's Law, I can talk about Avatar Wiki.

What the fuck. I'm sorry, was goddamn Space Pocahontas not simple enough? Did an entire community of people need to spell it out in encyclopaedia form for you? Were you so desperate to find out the plot for the fucking Nintendo DS game you couldn't just track it down on Amazon and play it for yourself? Or were you already wasting enough of your time watching water boil? I guess if you're the type of person who enjoys mowing the lawn with your hands, that's a pretty great timesaver.

Saddest Quote: Further Reading: Wikipedia- Pisonics. Citing Wikipedia is already a faux pas, but on psionics? I guess I should just be glad you didn't cite or some other new age garbage.

Usefulness: 3/10. I found out that there are going to be three more Space Pocahontas movies coming out starting in 2015, which is more than I've learned from Barney Wiki, at least.

Ben 10 Fanfiction Wiki

Wiki Logo 

Look, I'm not going to have a lot of room to talk in the upcoming few paragraphs, but fucking seriously? A wiki for fucking Ben 10 fanfiction? I may run a wiki for what is essentially the same thing in a different fandom, but this seems incredibly excessive. If it was one guy collecting anything related to his entire collection of works, fine, I appreciate that he has dedication. If it's some people collecting a certain aspect of a fandom, also fine, I too enjoy making lists of inherently pointless things and sorting them using five different categories. It's why my desktop is littered with text documents. But fucking this? And for Ben fucking 10? 

I remember watching it for the first time, many years ago, and being completely unimpressed. "Oh well, another action show," I thought, and then I went back to watching Flapjack, because I'm pretty sure that was on during the same timespan. And then there was the sequel to it, and I watched that, and it was the same fucking show, meaning I was equally unimpressed. What I'm getting at is: people cared enough about Ben 10 to write enough fanfiction to warrant a wiki about it? And then the people cared enough about the Ben 10 fanfiction to actually make it? I feel like this is an elaborate joke that I'll never be a part of.

Saddest Quote: Write the first paragraph of your page here. This is like half of the fucking wiki.

Usefulness: -0/10. I would have found a wiki about the different kinds of shits more informative.

The YouTube Poop Wiki

This hilariously schizophrenic wiki teaches my why I should learn to shut my fucking mouth. This is a wiki about different kinds of poop. YouTube Poop, to be exact.

Admitting you think YouTube Poop is funny is a lot like having to cut your own arm off. It's a painful process, and everyone will sort of look down upon and pity you. And I am going to say right now, the first time I watched this stupid fucking video I laughed hysterically until I cried. I repeated this process for 75% of the channel's contents.

This does not mean anyone wanted a wiki to attempt to collect anything and everything that has even shown its ass in a YouTube Poop at some point.

Saddest Article Quote: SKODWARDE is Squidward's Chinese-German cousin,but darker,sadisticer and badder.He is the reason why the world will end.He is the monster from Cloverfield and his only friend is Weegee. I could try to tell you everything wrong with that, uh, whatever that was, but it would be a five thousand word page ending in me screaming.

Side note: I was highly amused to find a page for Rainbow Dash categorized under "Category:Lesbians."

Usefulness: 0/10. I am a man of my word; zero is higher than negative zero. Probably.


The first time I saw this, I could only sputter an incredulous what? for a minute. I have no idea. Apparently, Wikipedia wasn't enough to contain the massive list of her shithive antics.

I still have no idea what to say about Gagapedia. Well, it exists. I feel like that in of itself should be enough to tell you how I feel about Gagapedia. What the hell am I even typing anymore?

Saddest Article Quote: I never actually read any articles. I got that picture from Wikipedia. Instead, I'll present to you a random statistic: the record for a bicycle travelling downhill on a volcano is 107 miles per hour.

Usefulness: 10/10. At the first thought of what Lady Gaga's music sounded like, I started listening to a different band, so it's really useful if you don't have the motivation to press the play button on iTunes.

Moshi Monsters Wiki
File:The Monstro City Map.jpg

Wait, I thought the Neopets fad died out years ago. What the fuck is this? Totally-Not-Neopets? Oh, no, never mind, it's just Moshi Monsters.

Alright, I'm going to tell you a story. Imagine Widdle Blogger, around the age of eight. I got a Neopets Happy Meal at McDonald's and I immediately had to figure out what the shit this Neopets thing was all about. And so I registered on the website, I got my first dragon thing or seal monster or whatever the fuck it was, and then I promptly had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Fist Facemash the Dragon was perpetually starving because I couldn't buy food because when the minigames finally fucking worked and I got coins, the stores were sold out because someone thought it'd be a really fun idea to have real supply and demand economics in a game aimed at fucking fifth graders.

Not that that stopped me. I filled my first account with little gremlin horrors, and because having four starving Pokémon wasn't enough, I made a second account. Because, that's why.

And then, one day, I woke up no longer giving a fuck. I'm pretty sure on that day, 90% of people on Neopets just stopped caring. You know why? Because it was bullshit, that's why. I think that's why I have a sudden disdain for something I didn't realize existed until just recently. Because it's basically Neopets, and Neopets was horseshit.

But if you want to know about the wiki, it's disturbingly concise and written with the syntax of a ten year old in most places. It's a wiki about Totally-Not-Neopets, what else do you want?

Saddest Article Quote: Dr. Strangeglove is one of Monstro City's most feared and ancient enemies - he wears a white hand and a purple glove. He also has a top hat worn with purple ribbon round the bottom. He has blue stripy trousers and pink eyes. He has a walking stick with a golden walking stick with a picture of a skull. The sad thing is, nobody who actually plays Moshi Monsters will get the reference, which was stretched to begin with.

Usefulness: 3/10. I learned that apparently Totally-Not-Neopets has a decent sized fanbase. Then again, so does Puddle of Mudd, so I guess that's not everything.

Let us mourn the loss of the Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff Wiki, the greatest wiki in the field of whatthefuckery.