Friday, May 24, 2013

I Hate Everything Wins the R-TARD Award

Remember my lengthy tirade about the movie Battleship? Of course you do; chances are, statistically speaking, it's why you're here in the first place. No idea how that particular post became so popular, but that's neither here nor there. What matters is I wrote it, and I was of the opinion that Battleship was a disgustingly awful movie that was so disgustingly awful that it became one of my favorite movies, hands down. I compared it to The Wicker Man, even. No, not the good one. Yes, that one. You know the one.

Ahh, god! Not the reference!

It should come as a surprise to you that some people get upset when I say things sometimes. I don't know how; I have a wonderfully charming personality, varied delivery style, legitimate opinions, and absolutely never use sarcasm, ever. But people get upset at me nonetheless, and it has led to some absolute hilarity. I'm not here to rag on moduz94 and all the fine folk at MLP Forums, though. Nor am I here to rag on the typical anon commenter I get here who calls me a great big doodyhead. In fact, I'm not here to rag on anyone! In a surprising twist on the IHE formula, I'm here to accept an award I've just been presented!

On May 7th, 2013, it came to my attention through a source that I've come to call the 5/7 Anon that I Hate Everything was presented the R-TARD Award, an honor I can only assume is very prestigious here on the Internet. I couldn't actually find a lot of information, other than a kid who handed them out years ago on YouTube, which seems to be -

Oh, they were handed out to stupid people?

Oh, Osama bin Laden got one? Well, that's -

Ooooh. I get it now. 5/7 also hated me. And then just used the name because he was a tosser. Got it.

So, you know what this means, right? IHE got its first flamer!

This is what winning on the Internet looks like. It sounds like a loop of Ha-He by Just a Band.

5/7 made me smile. I didn't know someone could get so much hate for not liking Battleship. I've done a few things that could warrant people actually getting mad at me, but this? This is something else entirely. I put up with some shit on IHE, and it's usually pretty funny. Imagine having an art show at a gallery, and a pretentious art snob tells you your sculpture of the Virgin Mary made out of toilet seats is the hugest affront to human eyesight since the time you made a monument to Australian prison guards out of those CDs AOL used to mail people.

But 5/7 is different from the standard hater. Imagine you're running your gallery with the Virgin Mary toilet seat sculpture and a hobo, frothing at the mouth, ran up to you and screamed something incoherent about Rembrandt and, for some reason, Mozart, before falling on top of your avant-garde toilet seat sculpture and vomiting himself to sleep. This is a lot what it's like to both run a blog under the persona of an angry cynic and live in Baltimore!

But that's neither here nor there (Baltimore being 800 miles away from 'here' and 'There' being a 2009 Turkish film). What is here is 5/7, a person of incredible lyrical grace that rivals even my own. And such aggression, too! In the span of a few hours, he told me to hang myself no less than twice. I'd love to oblige, buddy, but it's hard to hang yourself twice. If you make it out of the first noose, you did a pretty shitty job and might as well not have bothered, hm? You have to think rationally about these things now.

See, the thing that baffles me most about 5/7 is the only reason he thought I was a "dumba ass" was that I didn't like a movie. And that movie was Battleship.

An opinion that seems at least somewhat justified.

That was literally his only problem with me. Hell, America hasn't even invaded a country of brown people for something as petty as this! It's like decking your friend in the face because he said he didn't like baseball. But I guess some people get awfully worked up about baseball, boring fucking game that it is. And now I'm half-expecting at least someone to reply "fuck you baseball is a great game."

I keep distracting myself. I think that's a sign I've basically said all I need to say on this guy. I just need to present my acceptance speech:

Dear friends of I Hate Everything, on this day, I humbly accept the R-TARD Award, as presented by the 5/7 Anon Foundation for Incoherently Screaming. I'd like to thank Peter Berg, director of Battleship; David Klein and Herman Goelitz, founders of Jelly Belly Candy Company; and 5/7, for being an obnoxious tool. If you're reading this, what's up? I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

I'm winner!